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| Chances are, no one is going to read this but I'll write anyway, just to express myself. I was reading my old blogs on this thing after not going on it for about a year and a half. I ended up being discusted with who I used to be, an [extremely] immature, ghetto, horny little girl. Thank god that I've changed so much since then. I even learned to establish the diffrence between a nigga and an African American. I don't listen to "nigga" music anymore. But I still love soul.
Turning 18, graduating high school after being a walking disaster throughout the whole 4 years, getting a job, and moving onto college. Changes around me have played a huge part in my evergrowing maturity. Especially with my mentality and my view on life. I think that from before, I've matured alot. Correct me if I'm wrong though, I'm still in the process and trying.
I never used to type words to their full length, I'm so happy I grew out of typing things like "the" as "da", and "why" as "y", etc. It grosses me out to see ignorant people who still type like that into their 20's. I don't take a million pictures of myself anymore. I don't go on and on about my life and to people who I've never met's websites seeking attension or "props" and "comments" and shit. I could care less if people respond to what I write. Most of all, I could care less about people in general.. those that don't matter, I mean. And I most definitely don't care about what people think.
As for myself, I was a desperate drinker and smoker, because I wanted so bad to have the "badass" image. As if being able to have the most shots of patron for a kid your age would get you anywhere in life. That's not me, that's the dumb kids in my high school that think their such big people because they only come out when everyone else sleeps to drink. No thanks, I like sleep. A lot. And I'd like to keep my liver for a while. As for the marijuana use, I've been sober for almost 2 years. However, I've grown into a new addiction: tattoos. Oh, 4 tattoos in the past year & counting. Save me now, please?
I've met someone that I can commit to and not second guess to cheat on,
when I would previously jump at any chance to get another man's touch
regardless of how good I've got it. Those chances have increased along
with age, but I don't care anymore, because I love Dino. We're
currently in the longest relationship I've ever been in, one that can
maybe almost be considered a long term relationship. I've gone a long
way from cheating every chance I got because I thought I was too good
for everyone and took who I had for granted. I think getting involved with a married man was more then beyond the
limit and as soon as it backfired was when I woke up. (Note to self:
when he says he'll leave his wife and daughters for you, run the opposite way! Even with those nicotene ridden lungs!) No more. I was on the road to becoming a failure, STD ridden whore, a drug addict or alcoholic living off my parents for the rest of their lives. Because I'm going to college with hopes to improve my grades and actually go somewhere with my life. To help myself, my parents, and my own little one out. More then just for myself. I need to grow up sometime, don't I?
I'm very proud of myself. Maybe somewhere out there, someone else can be proud of me too?
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| this letter is still waiting to meet your hands, be experienced by your eyes, not expecting a suprise ..
if you still care
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| "When you love someone, you just don't treat em bad."
I really need to get that through my head.
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| So.. Again, I try to have a civil conversation with my father about my future, like college and stuff. It all started when I asked a simple question, with the interest in starting kickboxing to keep myself busy. He wants me to be busy, so that I stay away from "bad stuff", but whenever I get interested in something, he shoots me down with a motherfucking guilt trip. His excuse: our budget is already tight enough because its just my mom working. What would be the solution for that? Him getting a job. He hasn't had a real fucking job in 6 years. He claims that its impossible for him to have a job. He claims that my brother needs to have someone stay with him. My brother wasn't even around for the first two years of his unemployment. In the past 6 years he's had about 2 part time jobs. Both of which he quit, claiming it was my fault. How the fuck is it my fault that he's late for work by a half hour because I didn't know that he needed me to be home to babysit? He never called me, never told me before I left for school or before I went to bed the night before. But he quit because he was late by a half hour and supposedly his boss would have never let him go back to work. That job lasted a week. The next job, I don't think it even existed because how do you work at a restaurant from 10pm to 5am for only one day and not get paid? It's probably just me but me senses someones lying about where they go in the middle of the night. Supposedly, he got into problems with his boss. Bullshit. He is sucha kiss ass to people that everybody loves him. I'm the only one who knows how big of a jackass and liar he is. So yeah, money's tight and its my fault. Its also my fault that my mom is only working that we can't afford to send my brother to a private school just like I've been enrolled in my whole life. My fathers excuse for not having a job after my brother was born was to take care of him, until he starts going to school. Well my brother started at the beginning of this month and my father hasn't done shit but go to fucking Roosevelt Island to go fishing. But it's okay, because if my father isn't around then there's nobody to pick him up from and bring him to school. Another excuse! And now, he's "too old to get a job" because blah blah blah, he's turning 60 in February. It's not my fault that he could have gotten plenty of jobs the past 6 years and has made an excuse to not search for one.
Then, I asked about college. Because one night I was thinking, What am I gonna do since my grades have been mediocre since the 6th grade that I'm not eligible for a scholarship because I don't have excellent grades and I'm not black? I want to be a fucking broadcaster for sports. But how is that gonna happen if I can't afford to go to anything more then community college? Papa dear says, "That's why you should be a nurse as a backup job." Hellllll fucking no I'm not gonna fall into the fucking stereotype just because it's easy. I know, my mom's one but she's worked so hard to help me become something better. But my father hasn't exactly done his share in helping. He wants me to take the easy way out, but at the same time he lectures on and on about how I should make myself something big. When I mentioned I wanna get a job for college, like be a bartender or something for some extra cash, he poked fun about how I've made such big dreams for myself but that's all I'm working towards being. He is so fucking impossible. But eventually, I accepted that I'm probably not gonna be anything more then a 60 year old waitress who lives with her dogs in a crappy dirty lonely apartment.
Finally, an apartment to get the fuck outta this house. Because no one's going to let me rent an apartment with no experience, I asked if he would ever get an apartment for me, and that I would pay for everything. "Why would you want to get an apartment to pay for when you can just live here for free?" BECAUSE I CAN'T LET MYSELF LIVE ANOTHER COUPLE OF YEARS WITH HIM TERRORIZING ME. I'm 16 years old, and my curfew is 5pm, because 7pm is "completely unreasonable and late." I don't wanna be 18 years old and have to be home by 10pm or else I'll be locked out. I may sound selfish, a little bit, because I want my own freedom, but how does he expect me to grow up and live on my own when he gets sick of me?
I wish things were different. I want to be open and happy with my father. I want to get along with him, because what I ask of him isn't even that much. I just want to be able to turn to him and get a hug when I'm crying because of an asshole hurting me. But back when I was stupid enough to try that, he pushed me off and told me to stop being a pussy because I'm "too young to be having problems." He doesn't even know half of it. Past 4 years, I've gone thru so much hell and I can't even go to him because he's so set in his own ways. It's not even possible to explain correctly. Like he wants me to come to him for anything, but if I did, I would most likely end up getting a black eye or so. Like in the 8th grade. And parts of Freshmen and Sophomore year.
I don't know if I can do this any longer.
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